THURSDAY JAN 14 / 2016 / by Andrew Talati

12 Personalities of the bunch

Whether it's at your work, your local sports team or the local bunch, it’s always a melting pot of many different personality types. All these people come together to make our rides so memorable, fun and are part of the fibre of why we ride together however, be warned; if you haven't already had the pleasure of their company, it’s only a matter of time.

The Maps Master

1. The Maps Master 

 Even if you have ridden in the area 100s of times, the Google maps master will pull out their trusty phone and work out exactly where you are and the next street you turn at. No known relatives.
 

The Data addict

2. The Data addict 

 Will analyse and compare their performance on every ride, even if it’s a social ride. And there is always that unexpected moment they will attack for future analysis (distant relative of the attacker).
 

The Wheel Sucker

3. The Wheel Sucker

Always sits back in the business class,  preferable behind the ‘gate keeper/yep man’ and will ever so carefully position themselves to conveniently move backwards in the bunch when it's their turn to do some work out at the front. Is the great grandparent of the attacker and live bait.
 

The Coffee Connoisseur

4. The Coffee Connoisseur 

 Is a expert of all that is great coffee wise, has their favourite coffee app installed and their mantra is ‘life is too short for bad coffee’. The coffee connoisseur will ride past the only cafe in a small town in search of that elusive cup of good coffee


The Half-Wheeler

5. The Half-Wheeler 

 Will constantly overlap the wheels of the two riders directly in front of them or half wheel the rider besides them when they are out the front of the bunch doing a turn. Is closely related to the wheel sucker however can be mutually exclusive.
 

The Insatiable Mileage Rider

6. The Insatiable Mileage Rider 

 Your bunch has just reached the half way point of a 120km ride and you're about to turn back to finish the last 60kms and the insatiable mileage rider comments "It’s only another 35kms to Sorrento". Pokerface sometimes secretly masquerades as the insatiable mileage rider.
 

7. The Mechanic

7. The Mechanic

Are determined to help any rider change a tyre and offer a ‘better/quicker/more efficient/cleaner’ way to get the job done. Knows everything about every group set and how to remove every conceivable bike noise or perfectly adjust clicking gears, related to ‘Spares’.
 

8. The It’s Summer All Year Round Rider

8. The It’s Summer All Year Round Rider

 At a bare minimum will wear cycling knicks without leg warmers and a long jersey during winter and short sleeve jerseys above 8 degrees, not to be confused with the ‘hardman'
 

The Never On Time Rider

9. The Never On Time Rider 

 They live the closest to the bunch ride starting point but consistently arrive 3 - 5 minutes after the roll off time and heard amongst the bunch and the nemesis of ‘Megaphone’ and ‘Rules’, "Where is Harry, is he coming/on his way?".

 

The Hardman

10. The Hardman 

Go hard or go home, the hardman is basically the hard man. The one who will continue riding in the most harsh of conditions and nothing will stop them from riding; no matter how tired, fatigued, cold, hot, hungry or thirsty they are. In fact, the hard rider actually revels in these conditions. Not to be confused with ‘It's summer all year around’ rider as being caught out in bad weather without adequate kit is more about bad luck and unexpected weather conditions. The hardman has no known relatives; that’s why they are the hardman.
 

The Greyhound

11a. The Greyhound 

Will chase down any rider who passed the bunch, who is within eye sight of another bunch or will ride off the front of the bunch for no apparent reason and attack! The Greyhound is a very close relative of the ‘Attacker’ and very well known to "Rules".
 

The Attacker

11b.The Attacker

 Will attack for no apparent reason and ride away from the bunch, whether it’s on a slight incline, close to the finish of a ride, a set sprint point or for any other reason only known to the attacker. Sometimes the attacker will morph into another sub species known as ‘live bait’, where the riders in the bunch, armed with the knowledge of the habits of the attacker, will wait and chase him/her down until caught.
 

The Will Last Another Ride

12. The Will Last Another Ride 

 Will wear their knicks within an inch of their life or use tyres that are so worn that the tyre is bulging out and the inner cloth weaving is visible. Nothing is ever thrown out and everything always has plenty of life, whether it's their kit, bike or accessories. Is the step brother/sister of ‘Spares’ and ‘Rules’

Honourable Mentions

Flash

Flash - will wear the loudest kit or own the most expensive bike, sometimes in the same family tree as ‘Fashionista’.

The Grinder- no matter what the gradient will always ride a 53/11 or a relatively low gear for the extra training, can be confused with ‘Pokerface".

Rules - will point out everything from incorrect sock height to the ratio of saddle to bar height, closely related to ‘Fashion’ and engages with ‘The it's summer all year round’.

Megaphone - will shout out at 110db everything form a small stick on the road to “hole", can also be overheard chatting to the rider beside them even when you’re 10 wheels back in the bunch.

Pokerface - will pass you on climbs or sit on the front for hours with ease but is secretly suffering, related to the ‘Hardman'.

No Idea - whether a newbie to the bunch or a seasoned rider who just has no idea of how to ride in a bunch, relative of ‘The Half-Wheeler’.

The Comeback - will have bonked several times, cramped and in need of urgent medical attention but from nowhere makes a comeback and smashes the bunch.

Leap Frogger - will ride 3 bike lengths ahead when it's their turn roll around the rider in front while doing turns. This surging and increased pace off the front gives the impression of the ‘Attacker’ or ‘Live Bait’.

Recovery Dayer - when it’s a hard ride, it’s bad timing for the Recovery dayer as suddenly its a recovery day.

The Fashionista - is always immaculately presented, everything is perfectly synced and colour coded from the kit, the bike to even the derailleur hanger; it’s the devil in the detail! Twin sibling of 'Flash'

9 Lives - has taken the worst falls of the bike, broken every vertebra in their back but miraculously manages to ride another ride, also a relative of ‘The Hardman".

Spares - has spares of everything from tools to remove the bottom bracket, to food and water for a 200km ride for the whole bunch.

The patron of the bunch

The respected leader of the bunch who has an enormous wealth of bunchriding knowledge and expertise, his role is to control the personalities of the bunch.

 

 

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